LEFT LA MONDAY AFTERNOON LATE HEADED TO NYC
4 HOURS LATER WE MADE OUR FIRST STOP IN NEEDLES CA, JUST OUTSIDE OF ARIZONA. REAL SHIT HOLE. GOT GAS, TOOK A PISS, BOUGHT A MAP, FURRY HATS?

THIS GUY HAD THE ILL TUCK IN STYLE & RETARD FACE. JUNK FOOD IS REAL POPULAR IN AMERICA. GET THE CORN NUTS
WE ATE THEN I TOOK THE WHEEL. BROUGHT TREES. BY THE TIME WE GOT TO ARIZONA WHICH WAS 20 MINUTES. LATER WE HAD TO STOP & I HAD TO LET JEMZ DRIVE. I WAS BUGGIN. I WAS SEEING DEER & ELK THAT WEREN'T THERE ABOUT TO COME OUT ONTO THE HIGHWAY. KEPT BRAKING. THEN I'D BE CRACKING UP & DRIVING WAY TOO FAST. WE PULLED OVER & I WANDERED INTO ANOTHER GAS STATION I DON'T KNOW WHY & 10 MINUTES LATER JAMES COMES IN & WAS LIKE WTF ARE YOU DOING SHOPPING? I WAS WANDERING AROUND LOOKIN' AT JUNK SPACED OUT. WE ON A TIGHT SCHEDULE HE SAID. JAMES WAS BEING MAD TIGHT ABOUT GETTIN TO HIS MOMS IN OHIO BY THANKSGIVING. I'M SUPRISED HE EVEN PULLED OVER FOR ME TO TAKE A SHIT. BUT WE DIDN'T MAKE THIS TRIP FOR FUN. HE'S MOVING BACK TO NY & HE HAD TO GET HIS CAR BACK. SINCE I HAVE NO JOB & I DECIDED TO GO ALONG FOR THE RIDE. WE GOT BACK IN THE CAR & AN HOUR LATER I WAS CONVINCED I LEFT MY FONE AT THE GAS STATION WE WERE JUST AT. I LOOKED EVERYWHERE IN THE CAR & IT WAS GONE. YO! JAMES WE GOTTA GO BACK. WHEN HE SAID WHY I SAID WE GOTTA GO CUZ I LEFT MY FONE IN ?. WE COULDN'T REMEMBER THE EXIT OR WHAT KIND OF GAS STATION IT WAS. HE SAID SORRY BRO. SUDDENLY SHIT WASN'T FUNNY ANYMORE. I SPENT THE NEXT TWO HOURS THINKING I LOST MY BIRDBERRY. WHEN WE GOT TO FLAGSTAFF HE FOUND IT UNDER HIS ASS. CHEECH & CHONG SHIT.

I WENT IN TO ANOTHER GAS STATION TO USE THE RESTROOM. I THOUGHT I WALKED INTO A ROBBERY IN PROGRESS. I FEEL BAD SAYING THAT CUZ THE DUDES WHO WORKED THERE WERE CHILL. JUST DIDN'T EXPECT GAS STATION CLERKS TO LOOK LIKE THIS
I RAPPED W/ EM FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES ABOUT WHERE WE COULD FIND A BAR WITH BIRDS, WHATS GOOD? JAMES STOOD THERE ROLLING HIS EYES AT ME LOOKIN AT HIS WATCH. FINALLY WE GOT IN THE CAR & HE LOOKS AT ME & GOES..."NO MORE TREE'S FOR YOU BRO...YOU'RE KILLING ME" 2 HOURS LATER WE GOT TO...
STAYED AT A RED ROOF INN, WENT TO BED. NEXT DAY HE WOKE ME UP AFTER SLEEPING 4 HOURS & JEMZ WAS BEING LIKE COCK A DOODLE DOO IN MY EAR AND SHIT. BLOW DRYING HIS HAIR. LETS GOOOO! I WAS LIKE CALL FOR A LATE CHECK OUT FOOL. HE WAS SLAVE DRIVING US BACK TO NYC. WE HEADED TOWARDS SANTE FE, FOR SOME REASON JEMZ THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA FIND SOME COOL SHIT THERE. GAS IS CHEAPER
MAKING GOOD TIME MEANT HAVING TO TAKE PICS AT 80 MPH'S WHILE HE DROVE
WE GOT TO SANTE FE, ATE, SAW THIS
ON THE WAY BACK TO THE CAR I SAW SOME KIDS THAT LOOKED CRAZED
I WENT DOWN TO TALK TO THE OTHERS WHO WERE GOIN DOWN INTO AN EMBANKMENT. ASKED IF I COULD GET A FLICK. DUDE IN THE JNCO'S GOES I'D RATHER NOT. SAME THING SEAN PENN SAID TO ME. WHAT'S IT FOR ANYWAY? I SAID ME & MY HOMEBIRD WERE DRIVING CROSS COUNTRY LOOKING FOR COOL KIDS TO BE IN A LEVI AD. THEY SAID OK I GUESS. THE BIRD ON THE RIGHT WAS PRETTY, THE TWO KIDS ON THE LEFT REMINDED ME OF THE HILLS HAVE EYES
THEY WERE CHILLIN' UNDER A BRIDGE DOWNTOWN
HIT THE ROAD AGAIN...NEXT STOP OKLAHOMA
OKLAHOMA IS NOT OK. WORST STATE ON THE TRIP. THERE'S NOTHING THERE. AT NIGHT WE WERE SCARED ON THE SMALL ROADS JAMES DECIDED TO SHORT CUT ON. LIKE JEEPERS CREEPERS SHIT
JAMES GOT THIS JESSE VENTURA DOO RAG
THE COWBOY WAS LOOKIN AT ME FUNNY
I HADN'T SEEN A GIRL IN SO LONG THE HOT TOPIC CHICK WHO SWEEPS UP IN THE FOOD COURT PART OF THE GAS STATION WAS LOOKING GOOD
WE WENT TO THE PIZZA HUT NEXT DOOR CUZ IT WAS THE ONLY FOOD AVAILABLE IN THE WHOLE TOWN. I DON'T CARE IF A MANSION WITH A SWIMMING POOL COSTS 5 DOLLARS A YEAR OUT HERE I COULDN'T LIVE IN OK. WTF DO PEOPLE DO HERE? EAT I GUESS
I HAD TO ZOOM IN ON THE HILLBILLY FROM OUTSIDE SO I DIDN'T MAKE HIM FEEL BAD. IT WASN'T THANKSGIVING YET BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN I FELT MAD GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE. GRANTED YOU CAN'T REALLY JUDGE A STATE FROM GAS STATIONS & FAST FOOD SPOTS BUT STILL. WE SAW A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE THAT. LACK OF EXERCISE, DEPESSION, BAD DIET
WE GOT BACK IN THE CAR & AFTER 10 HOURS OF DRIVING WE MADE IT TO WICHITA KANSAS. WE GOT INTO WICHITA AT 1:15 DYING GET A DRINK AT A BAR OR MAYBE A STRIP CLUB. AS WE ENETERED THE TOWN WE GOT PULLED OVER RIGHT AWAY. I WAS DRIVING. WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM OFFICER? HE SAYS "DID YOU KNOW ONE OF YOUR TAG LIGHT'S IS OUT?" TAG LIGHT? WTF IS THAT? APPARENTLY IT'S THE LIL LIGHT ABOVE THE LICENSE PLATE THAT ILLUMINATES YOUR TAGS. NEVER HEARD OF THAT BEFORE. HE WAS PRETTY NICE THO & JUST ASKED A BUNCH OF STUPID QUESTIONS & CHECKED THE CAR & THEN LET US GO. I ASKED HIM IF HE KNEW WHERE THE BARS WERE & HE DIRECTED US. WE SHOWED UP AT THIS PLACE AT 1:45 AND ORDERED A BEER & A SHOT. THERE WERE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN THE BAR NOT INCLUDING THE BARTENDER, THESE GUYS...
TRENT & ROACH. THEY WERE CRAZED. THEY CALLED ME OBOMBER. THIS VIDEO IS 5 MINUTES AFTER WE MET THEM...
THEY WANTED US TO COME WITH THEM TO A PARTY BUT WE DECIDED TO PASS & GET SOME SLEEP. JAMES THOUGHT THEY MIGHT BE GAY. GOT TO A SUPER 8 HOTEL & WENT TO BED. SHIT WAS MAD GRIMEY
THE NEXT MORNING JAMES DROVE US THRU KANSAS. WE STOPPED TO GET GAS & I HAD TO TAKE A SHIT SO BAD. I WENT INTO THE MENS ROOM & BOTH STALLS WERE OCCUPIED. I COULDN'T WAIT ANY LONGER MY STOMACH HURT SO BAD SO I WENT INTO THE LADIES ROOM. IT'S KIND OF WIERD TAKING A DUMP NEXT TO ANOTHER LADY WHO'S GRUNTING IN THE NEXT STALL. I WAS DONE BUT SUDDENLY THERE WERE LIKE 5 WOMEN WAITING OUTSIDE MY STALL. I WAITED IN THE STALL TEXTING JAMES TELLING HIM I WAS STUCK IN THE GIRLS ROOM. FINALLY I SAID FUCK IT & OPENED THE STALL DOOR & ALL THESE OLDER WHITE LADIES WERE LIKE WTF? I RAN OUTTA THERE. AFTER KANSAS WE CAME TO MISSOURI. KANSAS CITY IS IN MISSOURI. I DON'T GET THAT
DEER CARCASS
FIREWORK CAPITOL OF THE WORLD. THAT AND ADULT SUPER STORES

PYRO CITY
MISSOURI IS ALSO KNOW FOR IT'S BBQ. WHEN I WOKE UP FROM A NAP JAMES WAS GETTING OFF THE FREEWAY AT A RIB PLACE CALLED BANDANAS THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD. IT WAS.THEY HAD 6 DIFFERENT STYLES OF BBQ SAUCE AT THE TABLE. SPICEY, HOT, KC, OG, SWEET, & ONE I CAN'T REMEMBER
THEN I GOT BEHIND THE WHEEL & THERE WAS A LOT OF THANKSGIVING TRAFFIC. UNLIKE JEMZ WHO HAS NO HIGHWAY EXPERIENCE, THE PARROT WEAVES IN AND OUT OF TRAFFIC GOING 90 WITH ONE HAND ON THE WHEEL WHILE THE OTHER SMOKES & FUCKS WITH THE RADIO. I DROVE US THRU ST. LOUIS IN NO TIME. JEMZ WOULDN'T LET ME STOP TO TAKE A PIC OF THE ARC, HE SAID JUST GOOGLE IT
OZZIE
AFTER THAT WE DROVE THRU ILLINOIS WHERE WE GOT REAL LUCKY. AS I WAS SPEEDING I SAW A COP HIDDEN JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO PASS HIM. I BROKE FROM 90 DOWN TO 80 REAL QUICK THEN WHEN I LOOKED BACK I SAW HIM COMING OUT ONTO THE ROAD. SHIT. I SLOWED DOWN TO 70 & GOT IN THE SLOW LANE BETWEEN 2 TRUCKS. NEXT THING YOU KNOW THE COP CAR COMES UP ALONG SIDE US & THEN PULLS OVER THE CAR THAT WAS BEHIND US INSTEAD. IT LOOKED JUST LIKE OUR CAR TOO. I THINK HE GOT THE WRONG GUY. JAMES TOOK OVER & DROVE THE FINAL STRECH THRU INDIANA TO OHIO
WE DROVE TO DAYTON. A CITY KNOWN AS THE POOR MAN'S DETROIT. I KEPT CALLING IT DAYTONA ALL NITE BY MISTAKE CUZ I'M IN MIAMI MODE. WE MET UP WITH HIS COLLEGE HOMEYS & DROPPED OUR BAGS OFF, WE WERE AT THE BAR ORDERING BEVY'S 15 MINUTES LATER. BARS DON'T CLOSE THERE TILL 2:30 & STRIP CLUBS ARE OPEN TILL 4:30

WHEN WE GOT TO OHIO THE OFFICIAL BLACK PERSON COUNT ON OUR TRIP WAS 5. THE OFFICIAL MIDDLE EASTERN COUNT WAS ZERO & THE BIRD COUNT WAS 3/4. I FELT LIKE I JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL
OR BACK FROM IRAQ BIRD FRENZY. SHE WAS THE HOTTEST ONE THERE BUT SHE WAS WITH THIS GUY WITH THE ARMS FLEXED
DAYTON'S A CRAZY PLACE

ED HARDY IS EVERYWHERE
MAD WHITEBOYS IN ECKO

ACROSS THE STREET A BIG FIGHT BROKE OUT AT THE GRIMIEST CLUB IN DAYTON CALLED HAMMERJAX
SAW 2 FIGHTS IN A LIL OVER AN HOUR. DAYTON IS JUST LIKE...
THESE GUYS
WORST IN OHIO GOES TO...

COPS COME IN TO CHILL
IT WAS FREEZING
HOMELESS DUDE WAS COOL
ENUFF OF THIS MICKEY MOUSE BULLSHIT...STRIP CLUB TIME. WE DROVE 10 MINUTES TO THIS PLACE WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST DAYTON HAS TO OFFER
RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO
WE HAD TO PAY 10 BUCKS TO BECOME MEMBERS & FILL OUT A BUNCH OF PAPER WORK? ALL NUDE & YOU HAVE TO BRING YOUR OWN BOOZE. THEY GIVE YOU TWO DOLLAR BILLS TO TIP WITH
I DON'T SPEND MONEY ON STRIPPERS CUZ I DON'T HAVE ANY BUT AFTER THAT GRUELING DRIVE WITH NO BIRDS IN SITE... FORGOT TO CHANGE INTO MY SWEATPANTS FIRST. THAT'S A JOKE. I WALKED IN & WENT STRAIGHT FOR THE HOTTEST, THIS CAME ON AS MY 2 FOR 1 STARTED
WORKED UP AN APPETITE & HIT THE WAFFLE HOUSE
NEVER TRIED GRITZ BEFORE
SMOKED A CIGARETTE WITH THE WAFFLE HOUSE BIRDS OUT BACK AFTER. I FEEL BAD FOR THE PEOPLE HERE CUZ THE CAR COMPANIES ARE WHAT KEEP THESE CITIES GOIN. & THEY'RE ALL ABOUT TO CLOSE DOWN AND MOVE OUT. SOME GUY I SPOKE TO OUTSIDE THE WAFFLE HOUSE SAID THE UNEMPLOYMENT RATE IS GONNA RISE BY 50 % & THAT HE WAS LEAVING. HE SAID THINGS ARE BAD NOW BUT THEY'RE JUST GONNA GET WORSE. HE SAID HEROIN IS ALSO TAKING OVER
6 AM SLEPT ON A COUCH...NOT THAT ONE
DAYTON'S MAD REAL

WOKE UP THANKSGIVING & DROVE AN HOUR TO HIS MOM'S CRIB IN THE WOODS
THERE'S A RED HOUSE OVER YONDER
WE MADE IT. AFTER THESE PAST FEW DAYS ON THE ROAD THE BOTH OF US ARE THANKFUL FOR NOT LIVING ANYWHERE BETWEEN NY & LA NOT THAT THERES ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU & YOURS FROM THE TWO OF THE US

BIRD EAT BIRD
TOMORROW WE LEAVE FOR NYC. BE THERE TOMORROW NITE TO PARTY DOWN. STAY TUNED FOR PART 2. IT'S 6AM & WE'RE AT THE RED ROOF IN COLUMBUS. WE JUST GOT BACK FROM A MIDNIGHT BLACK FRIDAY SALE AT THE OUTLETS OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. NAUTICA, POLO, HILNIGGA, FEELING MAD HOSTILE WEARING AEROPOSTLE. MAYHEM. LINES & LINES. NOT THE GOOD KIND. JUST WHEN I SAID OHIO WAS COOL I ENDED UP GETTING HARRASSED BY COPS FOR TAKING A PICTURE OF A STORE? LIKE I WAS PLOTTING TO BLOW SHIT UP. McCAIN SUPPORTERS ALL OVER THE PLACE. PEOPLE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I HAD 2 HEADS. SATURDAY NIGHT WE GET TO MIAMI FOR FART BASIL


NEWS OF THE WORLD WHILE I'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD...

INDIA IS GOIN' OFF
MC BREED RIP
JOHN FORTE PARDONED